This Year Was Difficult

Prologue:

I wrote the below while in a saddened state, after receiving some difficult days. While this year has had a ton of lows, there were some bright moments. I accomplished a great deal educationally in 2021 and as the world slowly opened back up, I got out more this year which was less likely with last year’s 2020 lock down. I contemplated not sharing this blog but with the intent to embrace more of my in the moment feelings and less denial of what’s actually felt, I’ll proceed to share.

2021 Reflection:

2021, WOW! A year of death, tears, restlessness, disbelief, struggle, and numbness. Yet, also, a year of realizations, progress, and sensibility. It’s become tradition to write an end of year reflection and express anticipation for the year to come. But this year I write without anticipation. I was asked of my New Year’s Eve plans. My response, “after the past two years of hoping for better to only end with worse, I just want to fast & pray, and then drink an alcoholic beverage at 12:01 am.” Then with a painful smile I went on to say, “I can’t take another year of this.” After an onset of news leaning on the negative end of the spectrum, a comrade advised, “at some point something has got to give”. I will be watchful, because to speak foreshadowings of days to come maybe risking a disappointed end. As I look back over the events of the past 12 months, it’s not with complete distaste, because like every year it was filled with lessons and growth.

I like to think of 2021 as the year of 4; 4 deaths, 4 failed job interviews, 4 lessons that served as reminders, and 4 plans of continued growth. Overall, a heart aching reality check was provided, and that is to stay guarded.

Reminders:

1. Don’t willingly leave yourself open.

2. Don’t put yourself in a position where the expectation is for someone to show up for you, resulting in hurt when they are not there.

3. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to talk or explain yourself/ provide details.

4. I am not a back up or side dish in any relationship, whether family or friend.

Plans:

1. Take more deep breaths.

2. Read more, at least four hours a week, and write my thoughts.

3. Embrace every emotion and let the feelings pass in its own time.

4. Cry when the sensation is felt and be unashamed of any tear.

As I look on to next year, to offer balance and not a blog filled with total melancholy, I will close with gratefulness. I am grateful for life, progress, and continued joy throughout all states of being.

2022, we’ll see what you bring,

Alisia Latoi

#yearendreflection